Working the magic

I walk amongst the broken. They speak to me and I listen. I say smart things in return and try to console their fears and help them to see the "brighter" side of the situation. My weakness? That I care too much about each of them. I leave work at the end of the day feeling helpless yet hopeful... But helpless none the less. I love the broken people that I work with. The 9 year old redhead whose adoptive parents decided that they no longer wanted her. The 16 year old crack-addicted prostitute who's 8 1/2 months pregnant and homeless to boot. The meth addicted 12 year old who is being conditioned by other street workers to join forces with them. They all hold these special places in my heart. They pull at my heart strings. But I can't take them all home and love them until they're better and all of the hurt goes away. So I listen and I say smart things and I love them dearly, but then at the end of the day thats all that I CAN do.

Some days it hurts..

These are the days that I hate...

I sat with two of my kids at work today. The one is completely manic this week. He's been on suicide watch and is up and down every 10 seconds. The other pulls at my heartstrings every time I see her. She's nine, has beautiful red hair and stunning blue eyes. She was adopted for 5 years and then given up like an unwanted dog. She breaks my heart and I want nothing but a beautiful, stable life for her.

She went to turn on the TV to watch cartoons and this poor broken confused boy lunged at her, started choking her and screaming. Two of the other staff grabbed his arms to restrain him and as they stood him up he started kicking this little girl who was balled up, screaming in front of him. Instinct made me jump to the floor and pick her up. I was instructed to run her to safety. Where could I take her that could possibly feel safe? I ran downstairs and locked the door with this trembling being wrapped tightly in my arms. She does not deserve to be here and I wished that I could take all of this away from her. She's so fragile and confused.

As I sat there holding her, the tears streamed down my cheeks. There is so much pain in her tired weary little face. I cry for the mother and father that gave her up, for the adopted family that gave her hope then stole it back. I cry for the tears she sheds and the confusion that she harbors every day. I wish for the chance to take her away from this place, to give her a real life, real parents and just one chance to be a little girl again.

Hard to handle

Oh what a night... I am about to head out on the highway with so much "what's wrong with the world" to process. I got a call tonight from a police officer that was doing surveillance on one of the girls at work (They are working around the clock trying to catch the creeps that buy sex from her... A beautiful 16 year old girl). To make a long story short, I was to call them if she was leaving the house so that they could follow her. She left, I called... I feel horrible. I know that it's the right thing for her but I hate that it had to be me. Why me? This is where my job gets hard to do.

Anyways, I am off for the weekend. It is Thanksgiving after all... I wonder why I am not feeling thankful tonight. I guess it's just been a hard week. I am thankful for one thing though, that it was her out there tonight and not me. (Am I selfish??)
For now I will try to find comfort in long drive ahead of me...Ah, Thanksgiving

It really is about you...

When you learn how to look at yourself as a single being existing amongst several million other single beings, you realize that it really is all about you. You choose your life path and when there are unexpected changes or road-blocks you find a way to go around or adapt. How long can you sit and wait for someone else to tell you what to do... You already know. Change for yourself and don't let anybody else stand in your way. Let go of negative people even when they choose to hang on. When you decide that it's a good time to walk away, just do it and don't look back. Make a decision and stand strong. When you falter at somebdoy else's request you are giving up on yourself. Now, with all of this wisdom, go and be true to you.

Simplicity

Tonight I am comforted by the darkness outside. The rain dripping slowly down the glass window in a jagged pattern, only to disappear. I feel safe within my lonliness, within the confinement of my soul. I am worn out but feel loved and appreciated. It's quiet. The only sound is silence, but tonight it is beautiful. I love days like this where I am content to be alone. To crawl into bed with the new Janis Joplin biography that I bought and curl up sideways to read about somebody else's insanity. I love the comfort of my duvet wrapped tightly around my body, the safety that it brings with its warmth. I wish that I could feel this content every moment of the day. I have always found a certain comfort in crawling into bed on a cold rainy night. Ah, simplicity in all of its twisted forms and complexities. If only this night could last forever...

Dear Unfound Love...

I am raw and real and emotional today
I pine and crave being touched and loved
I am a tornado, a flood of gruesome images
I want to run and hide from the world
I want to be kissed from head to toe with longing
I want to taste you and touch your skin
I want to smell you next to me
I want to feel you breathing and turn to kiss your lips
I want to feel you roll over in your sleep
and slip your arm across my naked waist
I want you to kiss the small of my back
and press your body close to mine
Just for tonight...

Could I find it in me??

If I could be brave for a moment I would...
Scream all of the crazy thoughts in my head
Love freely
Dance naked in the sunshine
Play guitar and sing on stage for a crowd
Sing louder in the shower
Tell my father how much he has hurt me
Tell my mother that I would be honored to grow up to be like her
Tell my brother that I wish we could talk instead of scream
Wear that one outfit that I think is TOO out there
Go to a hair salon and say "do whatever"
Let it be what it is, hands down

Blogging... FINALLY!

Here I sit with a million scattered thoughts in my head... I want nothing more than the chance to share them with you. So here's to new beginnings!